Forgivness

Forgiveness is a funny thing. For me, it became a necessity in order to get my life in sync with the world around me. I knew I could no longer blame the people who abuse me in the past for my irresponsible behaviors in the present. Finally, I was able to appreciate that my caregivers did the best they could with the abilities they were given. Using that gift of compassionate awareness, I could see their world using their eyes. Consequently, my choice to forgive rushed over me. I came away feeling clean and anew. My brother and my mother were always on my mind, with forgiveness not far from my thoughts.

I had not spoken to my brother for 8 years. I told myself that until he acknowledged “my” pain and asked for “my” forgiveness, I would shut him out of my life. And so I did. When my mother first showed signs of Alzheimer’s, he and I had to be in concert in order to arrange her personal care, finances, and so on. After 8 years, I was uncomfortable being around him but because of our mother's needs, I forced myself to do what was required. He and I had to clean out her apartment and then prepare her for a move into a nursing home. When our responsibilities were accomplished and we were just about finished, I could not let that opportunity go without resolution. I told him we needed to talk. Without hesitation and to my surprise, he agreed. What happened next was a turning point in my life.

He began to tell me things about which even I had forgotten and in doing so, he finally gave me what I so badly sought; validation. You could have blown me over with a feather by his words of regret and his apologetic tone. At the same time he was speaking, I almost said out loud what my heart was feeling; “Oh my, it really did happen”! We talked for hours and then, then it happened; he asked me if I could ever forgive him. At that very moment, I realized I already had.

Although I did not need him to ask me for his forgiveness, it was when “I” forgave him that I felt God touch my soul. I felt the love for my brother that I had locked out for so many years, come back to me in an instant. More importantly, the act of that forgiveness freed me. When you truly forgive someone, you free yourself of bitterness, anger, and pain. You move forward instead of remaining emotionally frozen.

Little did I know, less than two years later, I would be the one taking care of him. Little did I know I would be feeding him, changing his clothes, giving him medicine to take away his pain. I had no idea then, that I would have so little time with him, yet I am grateful for the time we had. I lost my brother to cancer 2 years later at the tender age of 46. I know I am blessed because we had our healing. Had we not, the day he saw the face of God, could have shattered my spirit. I am certain he made his peace with Our Heavenly Father and that he is resting by His side.

My mother passed a short while later in Aug. of 2001 and my dear sweet sister died just one month after her. She was only 47. (He also abused my sister.) Everyone involved in this "secret" is gone, less me. I have restored my life. My surviving siblings have all reunited. I found the peace for which I had been searching AND I found it before my loved ones died. I made peace with my mom and my brother, and my sister freed herself from drugs before she passed. Now, the rest of my family is together. I have tears of joy today instead of tears of sorrow and pain. Family means everything.