I am not a father so what business do I have writing about its weight? I am proof that a father can leave his mark on a child whether he is in that life or not. This is not a story of abuse or misfortune. This is not a lesson of forgiveness or even gratitude, not right away, that is. This is a story about my father - a sometimes dad- and a full time daughter, that would be me. In this tale of love and hurt, you will read of anger too. But mostly, you will read of time spent in need of a father, my father.
He was tall when I was small and short when I grew tall. Children’s eyes distort the world when they are small. And so did mine. He was my world as I lived and played. I loved him so.
After my parents separated my 5 siblings and I were left to fend for ourselves, we did just that. Mom had “failings of the mind” and dad just could not be around her.
Rule Number One:
Sometimes, being a father means making hard decisions in life! He had a few choices. Running away was the last one on my list. If he could not live with a woman who suffered from mental illness, how on earth were his children supposed to survive?
There were many Sundays with my father, but no father with my Sundays. His mind was always somewhere else.
Rule Number Two:
If you are spending time with your children, please, be with your children! Way back then I did not have the words to express the feelings my heart knew to be true. I do now. I felt rejected, yet not. Confused because he would visit on Sundays, but he was still not a part of my life. Then, Sundays went the way of his shadows on cloudy days. He was gone from my sight, gone from my touch - he was just gone. He moved many states away just to retreat from my mother’s grasp. He kept moving further from us, from me. And of course, he moved in more ways then one. I was 8 when he left our home. I still adored my father and I suppose I always will. I tried to please him in everything I did and said. I learned quickly that I was flawed. To his great and everlasting credit, he never made me feel less with his words. But it was his lack of words that put shamed on me. Silence is truly deafening.
Rule Number Three:
Shower your children with praise. To hear admiration from your father can send a child over the moon and give her enough energy to fly safely home again, right into your waiting and loving arms. After I married, my father became interested in me. To my displeasure, he did not attend my wedding, but he was thrilled when I presented him with a granddaughter, not his first.
Rule Number Four:
Please don’t wait for grandchildren to finally get to know your children. If you are looking to find yourself in those baby’s eyes, first look in your child’s eyes. When my father suffered his first heart attack, I ran to his side, many, many miles, and states away. We started to connect. Now, we start. I had not yet found my voice, but maybe I had found my father? So many questions for this man, this somewhat stranger. During the time he was planning for his retirement, his heart attacked him once more and again I ran down to his side. We talk and we planned some more. He and his wife would stay with us while they searched for a restaurant to open up North. He would be close to me again!
During his stay with me, and while his wife was absent, I sat on my dad’s lap and told him that I loved him. He held me and whispered in my ear, "I love you too Francie". That was the first and last time I remember hearing those words. I treasure them.
Rule Number Five:
For goodness sake, please tell your children that you love them and tell them so often that they are not haunted by those three little words.
Nov. 4th, 1977, only four months after he moved up North, my father died after suffering his 3rd heart attack. I still miss him.
My father left his mark on my life by first appearing bigger than life and then, by becoming life-sized. He most influenced me though, by his absence. However, he transformed me because upon reflection, I grew to understand why he broke all of the rules. In the end, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the type of person his father reared.
Rule Number Six:
Play, Laugh, Teach, Inspire, Listen, Encourage and Pray together. Be a good father to your children and they will learn by your example.
Life with my father turned out to be a lesson after all.
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